Hello, beloved!

I was going to post a general update, thinking I was done telling you what you had missed – in a nutshell, of course. But that was when I realised that I hadn’t really told you everything. I was telling you guys what I thought you wanted to hear, and while I’m sure you were glad to hear from me and hear about what I was doing, I totally disregarded the possibility that you would like to hear about what God’s been doing in me.

This post is going to be very transparent about what I’m dealing with. I just ask that you continue to pray for me and continue to show your support – I have been very, very grateful for it. Thank you.

I told you in my first “What You’ve Missed” post that I have had to deal with a lot of issues, and I suppose the best place to let you in is at the beginning. There are things I struggled with back at home that I subconsciously must have thought wouldn’t follow me here to Mexico, and for some issues, that has proved true. Surprisingly for some things, even. But then, there are things that I didn’t realise I packed and brought with me. Heavy things. Unnecessary things. Unhealthy, and maybe even dangerous things. Things I told myself I didn’t want anymore. But I brought them anyways.

Which begs the question: do I want to give these things up?

Of course, when I’m feeling strong spiritually, the answer is always “yes.” But there are also times when I’m feeling not-so-strong spiritually, and it’s in these times where the answer can change. Sometimes, the answer is “yes, but…” and other times it’s a flat out, stubborn “no.” Sometimes, it’s something else entirely. I feel ashamed. Why can’t I do the things I want to do? Why do I do everything I don’t want to do – the things I hate? I know I’m not the only one. Even Paul talked about this sort of thing in Romans 7:15, 19 (For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate… For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing).

I recognise this is a result of many things – it is not solely an attack sent by the Devil in my weakness. I knew before I came down here that I would have to endure refinement and pruning and all the pain that would come with it. In fact, I think that is mostly what it is. I first realised it when I was in my second or third week of school – I was attending the mandatory Wednesday night service when we, as a congregation, were asked to pray for one another. Fortunately, I had been sitting with a classmate who knew English, so I was able to let him know what I needed prayer for (and vice versa). I felt unmistakably led to address the things I harboured towards my father. Cue dramatic sigh.

For those of you who do not know, I do not have much of a relationship with my biological father, and what little I do have is pretty negative. So, of course I knew I would have to deal with it down here if I wanted to experience growth and have a testimony that would glorify the Lord and help others struggling with the same thing. But as I said in the aforementioned post, I filed this under things I didn’t think I would have to deal with till later. I was not happy, if I’m honest. I knew what was going to happen, and I didn’t want to have that responsibility laid on me. I didn’t want to let go of the hurt that was both directly and indirectly inflicted on me by this man who had never been a father to me, but it was under the guise of wanting worldly justice. By the world’s standards, I have a pretty legitimate reason for not forgiving him. I know because I have been told how right I am in my actions (or rather, my inaction). Why should I forgive him? Why let him off the hook? It isn’t fair.

But I ignored the world’s advice, and most of all, I ignored my flesh, and in that split second, I made the decision to tell my classmate about the poison I had been sipping on for 18 years. He looked at me for a few long seconds (though it felt like years) before he pulled out his phone. As he did this, he began reminding me of why it is important to forgive, and then he told me through a faint smile about a word he received and typed into his phone that morning. I read this message: Obedience to your father is not in punishment, but in love. After my initial shock, I realised something – as if I wasn’t convicted enough, the words were typed in English… by someone whose native tongue was Spanish. In that moment, while all I could think of was “seriously?“, my classmate went on to say how he thinks that word was for me, because he wrote it in English. I assumed that was a confirmation.

The next day, during our morning session which taught how to deal with conflict in the ministry, the lesson was about forgiveness. And the teacher was recounting a few stories of forgiving his father, and also of forgiving the man who had abused him as a child (both of those things are things I relate to, so I felt personally victimised* during the lesson). He ended by giving the class the task of writing a letter of forgiveness to whomever we needed to forgive. With the intention of actually following through and giving that person that letter. It was another one of my “seriously?” moments. And as much as I wish I had been able to do it, I never got around to finishing that letter, and therefore, haven’t been able to send it to my father. I do believe that before that Wednesday night service, I wasn’t ready to forgive him. I think that I am ready now – I want to forgive him. For his sake. For mine. For the sake of my future family.

But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t bring myself to write a letter that was truthful and saturated in candidness without the words themselves being laced with bitterness. I needed the letter to echo the truth I felt: you don’t deserve this. In other words, I knew what I wanted, and I knew what would be pleasing to God, but I did the opposite. I put aside what I wanted, and did the very thing I hate. I held on to my pain while trying to hold on to God. I didn’t want him to read it and think he had a chance at a relationship with me, because I don’t want to lie to him. The fact is this – he still leads a destructive lifestyle, and each time I have given him another chance, I’ve regretted it. But the truth is, I have to give it to God. He knows what I need to do. I know that regardless of what happens, He will be glorified. However, I still would appreciate prayer for this – whatever God puts on your heart. I have to write and send him that letter, but I still don’t know how. So if you could pray for wisdom and guidance in that area, that would be incredibly helpful. Strength, peace, humility… all of these are things I’ll need.

I miss you all back home and I was super thrilled to see the CITW team last week! It was nice to see some familiar faces and to speak in English guilt-free. I hope you guys had fun during and between all your hard work with the church buildings, and I hope you enjoyed Mexico as much as I have been!

My last post I was asked if I have been learning Spanish in class or through the people. Both, but I have been learning in class by trying my hardest to listen to the original Spanish as well as the English translation. As for the request of photos/videos of my life in La Casita, those will come soon – I am very forgetful. I am not used to people wanting to know what I do in my everyday life, but I will overcome that for the sake of the wonderful blessings I refer to as my followers.

*Not really “victimised,” but you get what I mean.