Hello! Before I say anything else, I would like to first say sorry for my inability to keep you all updated. I am still in Mexico and I am still alive. As you may be able to imagine, things have been hectic for me – I’ve been having a difficult time adjusting not only physically (for those who don’t know, I’ve been sick on and off for almost a month, and the last two weeks especially have been the worst, but I’m much better now *hopefully*), but emotionally, too. I wish I could say that I’ve been doing just fine, and in many ways I have been – I’ve been making friends, all of whom say I’m learning their language “very fast,” despite my conviction of the contrary. I’m understanding and grasping most, if not all, of the concepts we are learning in Vanguard, and my schedule here is pretty similar to what I had back home. During my time here, I’ve had to deal with a lot of issues, falling into these categories: I totally knew I would have to take care of that right away; I knew I would have to address this, but I didn’t think it would be this soon; and seriously, why?! All (or at least, most) of which you will all hear about soon.

But enough of this talk – I just wanted everyone to know that I am still in Mexico, I’m still alive, and I haven’t forgotten about all of you wonderful people back at home. It’s just that between school, church, and illness, I haven’t been able to find time to sit down and write anything coherent and pleasant enough to share. That, and I haven’t had Wi-Fi access and with my new status as a college student/missionary, time isn’t a thing I have in abundance. But that (hopefully) is no longer a problem. Last week, I was promised Internet connection. That obviously didn’t happen, and hilariously, the reason I was given every time I asked was – it’s Mexico (and I was enlightened with the knowledge of the Spanish equivalent of “yeah, I’ll get to it.” Ahorita, which actually means something similar to “now,” but can used in situations such as responding to the question of when a few college girls will be getting Wi-Fi in their house).

Speaking of college girls, I’m sure you’re all curious as to who my roommates are.

After Lex left, I was all alone for practically the entire day. I had nothing to do except write out my last blog post, which, yes, was an embarrassingly long time ago. I was told that my new roommates would be home by five or six pm, so I resolved to make it back there from the café I was writing at by 4:30. When I made it home, I did my best to make the house look nice so they would have one less reason to hate the new American (sounds ridiculous, especially now that I have gotten to know them). I hear some noise outside the house and excitedly rush to the window… only to see a group of three college-aged girls jump in the car parked outside the house and drive away. Oh. Okay then. They’ll be back soon – they probably had no idea I was home.

I waited another four hours.

Around eight o’clock, I hear people outside again. Turns out, those girls I saw earlier had just parked their car in front of the house so they could get some sushi from next-door. The first girl I met was Andrea, who happened to be the one out of the three others who knew the most English, and we talked for a good portion of the night – our quick testimonies, why we came to Tepic and how God made it all work out – it was nice. I wouldn’t be meeting the other two until the next day, so at around 10 P.M, I went to bed (it turns out, the bed I had been sleeping in for the past four days wasn’t even mine), and tried to prepare myself mentally for the next day.

The next day, I met Paola (the girl whose bed I had been sleeping in), and Rosario (or Chayito/Chayo/Chayis – I don’t fully understand Mexico’s nicknaming methods), whom I will be bunking with until June. She speaks English well enough for me to have a nice conversation with her, but also struggles with it in a way that challenges me to speak more Spanish than I am currently comfortable with (definitely a good thing. Also, she was sick with Dengue Fever and is in the process of recuperation – prayers for her would be greatly appreciated!). Pao (Paola) speaks very little English, but is really good at speaking clearly and slowly and using hand gestures to help me understand what she is saying. It didn’t take me very long to come to the conclusion that I was blessed with friendly roommates. They have been incredibly patient with this awkward American, and they are always encouraging and supportive. Not to mention – they have promised to teach me how to cook authentic Mexican food.

So while I do, at times, feel sad and lonely, I know it’ll be completely worth it.

*I’m going to try to post something every day (by the grace of God) until you guys are caught up, so if anyone is curious about anything, write it in the comments and I’ll address it as soon as possible. Thank you for bearing with me and for your continued prayers and support. ¡Yo los quiero y Dios los bendiga!

“Lex just left and I feel so alone…”

I messaged my mother and my sister these words a few minutes after Lex left to catch her bus at six o’clock this morning. I won’t lie – after she left me in the small house I’ll be calling home for the next year, I went back to a bed that probably belongs to one of my roommates and I cried. I cried because I finally realized the depth of the situation I am in: I have never been out of America before, and here I am, at 18 years old, in a foreign country, unable to speak the language enough to hold a decent conversation or convey my needs (I honestly struggle speaking English sometimes), and I’m all alone. And from the moment Lex woke me up to say goodbye, to the moment she walked out the door and drove off with Beto to catch her bus, I found that the weight of loneliness suddenly became too heavy to ignore.

So I cried, and even though there was no one to see my tears, I kept silent, and tried my best to keep a straight face. And when I finally left my bed, I did what I taught myself to do years ago and hid my grief behind a smile. But my mother and my sister both responded to my text in the same way – God is going to take care of you. Lex (to no surprise of mine) said the same thing when I told her how I was dealing with her absence. She told me to just allow Him to use my loneliness to draw me closer to Him.

So I did.

He brought to my remembrance the way I had depended on my brother for nearly my entire life. I refused to do anything new if he wasn’t going to do it with me. I couldn’t even be bothered to attend Redefined on Friday nights until he convinced me to go. I saw the world as this gigantic place filled with places that were just as big – but Parrish always made those places a little smaller and easier to process and digest. For someone who is easily overwhelmed by the physical world, someone who could do that was a real necessity. It wasn’t healthy for me emotionally or spiritually, I know, but God worked with it, as He does.

I followed Parrish to Redefined, and I grew closer to God, and as my dependence on Him grew, my dependence on my brother dissipated, which made it easier to handle his falling away (I’m still believing for a resurrection of his faith, though!). And his falling away has made me draw closer to Him still, and by the time my brother lost interest, I was too plugged in to want to follow his lead. I can go on about the magnificence of God’s planning and whatnot, but I really just want to draw this parallel – If I could make it without my brother, I can make it without Lex. In fact, I can make it apart from anyone, because God has been teaching me how to depend on Him more than I’ll ever depend on anyone else. He has called me to Tepic for so many reasons, all of which I’m so excited to discover, but I know that this is the one I needed to understand and rely on first. I’ll make friends here, I’m sure, but I need to take care not to cling to the security I will find in them.

I miss and am praying for you all, and though I still get a lump in my throat when I think of home, I’m no longer heartbroken. Lex just left, but I know I’m not alone. I’ll see you guys in 177 days or less!